018 Biff Retch

His Icebreaker: “I'm alright."

You've seen him. He is usually down on all fours. His breath smells of  beer vomit residue and semi-digested pretzels that have been marinated 
in stomach acids. 

You must have seen him, he is always sporting the latest in designer sweat stains and crusts of dried puke on his signature black teeshirt. A true pioneer, he was the first of his generation to physically inhale beer. 

The night ends when every surface on his body is smack against the pavement.

Approach him if you enjoy doing laundry.



 

016 Bill Mee

His Icebreaker: “I'll get it next time."

You sooooo know him. He's the guy who always forgets his wallet. He's always the last to reach for the bill. And without fail, always orders the filet mignon. Then, suggests you split the bill evenly.
That is, you pay all of it.


He is anatomically correct. Yet, his arms do not reach his pockets. Same difference. Particularily since the only thing you will find inside his pockets is lint.

He might have dated Beyonce over a decade ago. The one she sings about in Bills, Bills, Bills. Imagine being stuck with a triflin' good for nothing type.  
No worries, everything was placed to the left, to the left. Yes, everything he owned in the box to the left. Including the left over filet mignon from last night's date. ... In the closet, that's HER stuff.

Thank God Jay-Z came along.


Approach Bill Mee, if you are into the sugarmama thing.

Saturday Morning Delights

(absolutely delightful... until someone tried to ruin it.)

Great illustration found on the business card

 Enjoying a lovely cappuccino and mini-amandine with a lovely pal, while sitting at a lovely sidewalk terrace - chairs set-up Parisian style. A handsome man sits two tables to the left. He is enjoying a captivating news article.  My pal and I are soaking up the sun. Pleasant start to any day, right?

No doubt! That is until a less handsome man sitting one table to the left, drops his croissant on the ground...  In less then 56 seconds, he picks it up, shakes it off, AND... eats it!

I can only imagine the microscopic horrors that latched onto the bottom of his croissant. Anything ranging from pee residue of dogs that had sat at that very spot only moments before... to the gunk from someone's shoe. Not to mention the bits of pebbles that you expect to find on sidewalks.  It is called the 2 second rule, dear sir, NOT the 2 minute rule. Regardless,  I believe there are limits to the 2 second rule.

Dude, my pal and I would kindly pool together our money and give you two dollars to purchase a new croissant. Just ask.

What can I say, I guess he is passionate about the croissants. You can imagine how wonderful they are! The name of the spot: Boulangerie de Froment et de Sève (2355 rue Beaubien E. Montreal).

011 Juana Salsa

Her Icebreaker: “Wanna dance?”

You must know her. She flamencos, glides, sashays, slides, salsas, and twirls her way right through any room. All the while shouting “cuchi-cuchi” as she shakes her ta-ta’s in your face.

You know her kind, she says she has Spanish roots. Her great-grandfather’s dog’s breeder was from Barcelona. And her aunt’s best friend is from Madrid. So... you know, they must be related. The truth is, she was born in Fort Worth, Texas.

Juana you are not Charo. You can never be. Charo studied classical guitar. You studied classical Spanglish.

Approach her if you are bored.

005 Mariah Freezedriedz

Her Icebreaker: “How do I look? ...How about now?... and now?”

You’ve seen her. She poses relentlessly. She is one of those girls who ALWAYS thinks that she is on camera. When she finds her perfect cover girl pose, she can keep it for days. 

She is not fond of complicated movement. Walking is ok; running is a no-no; riding shotgun in any German- engineered ride is euphoric. She does not dance, simply because she can’t, and sex is tolerated.

You must have heard about her. She is one that commissioned a wax statue of herself from Madame Tussauds. That did not go well. Especially since, the wax artist was rushed to hospital for shock. He accidently tried to remove excess wax from the ear and nostril areas. He quickly discovered that he was no longer working on the wax figure, once blood started to pour out of her right ear. 

These are the sort of things that happen when your pulse beats at less than 20 beats per minute. Girl, MOVE!

She matches up well with necrophiliacs. Ask her out if you are into hybrid corpses.

004 Rex Conner

His Icebreaker: “I’ll call you.”

 You’ve seen him. He sports a soul patch. He believes it to be the least conspicuous spot on his body to hide weapons. You’ve heard of him. Rumour has it that he is the illegitimate son of Charles Ponzi. But this rumour is  questionable, seeing as I made it up... just now.

Of course, you are the one to befall upon the 1 out of 272 million sociopaths worldwide. Sheer luck! Given that the world’s population is 6,852,472,823. Obviously this is big. Especially since it is not the type of math that can be solved on just any random calculator.

He’s the guy who says, “I’ll call you”. But never does. Maybe it’s because he is back in jail. Maybe it’s because he has Machiavelli-ed* his ass out of here.

Approach him if you are interested in 25 to life. 

022 Duke Stalkwalker

His Icebreaker: “... What a coincidence."

You’ve seen him...
The guy who always gets there right before you do. Every time you turn around, he is just outside the limits outlined by the restraining order. You wonder if you are destined to be together. Maybe it is the universe’s way of telling you something. Then, it dawns on you. You’re crazy. There is no way in hell that the universe is that cruel. 

You know... he is the one who sprints off, at the first sign of a siren.

Don’t approach him. Ever.

013 Jenna Lopelosity

Her Icebreaker: “They tell me I look like Jennifer Lopez from behind.”

You know...She always talks to men while looking over her shoulder. At first you think you are observing the scene from the Exorcist where Linda Blair’s head goes 180. Then you realize, this girl is just trying to draw attention to her booty. Not sure what kind of damage is being inflicted on her spine. But, whatever.

You know her. She’s the The jLo wanna-be. Owns Glow, Deseo, and Live. At times, she will spritz all 3 on at once, so she can have her own signature scent.

Approach her if you look like P.Diddy or Ben Affleck. If you look like Mark Anthony, maybe you’re pushing your luck.

leelee’s leeeeeast wanted list

Compiled in the hopes that when you know better, you do better.

If even one person can be saved from dating any one of the following anthropological mishaps, then we stand a chance at weeding out the genetic pool of creepies.

Here are the first 25 (in no particular order):

001 The Itzallreal Sisters

002 J.P. Baller

003 Elaine-Jaine Crooked

004 Rex Conner

005 Mariah Freezedriedz

006 Chero Tutti

007 Maude Faasion

008 Guido Tutti

009 Emme Ivanity

010 Faak I. Dee

011 Juana Salsa

012 Mr. Goticoins

013 Jenna Lopelosity

014 Suave Brothers

015 Susie Makeway

016 Bill Mee

017 Thasa Amore

018 Biff Retch

019 Tally McVeal

020 Ian Scared

021 Ms Nahoop (aka Not a hair out of place)

022 Duke Stalkwalker:

023 Tanya Lynes

024 Mr. Technology

025 Sandi Gimmian

In upcoming posts, you'll get to meet each one in more detail!